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Did I do the right thing by putting my husband in a home?

July 9, 2013

I am having a hard time after putting my husband into an Alzheimer’s home about “Did I do the right thing? Should I have tried to take care of him longer?”. I was being up with him most of the night. He had bathroom problems and I had to clean up every day. He doesn’t seem to know me most days when I go to see him. Sometimes he tells the kids when they go that I am there folding clothes. Am I just feeling lonely? I have asked God to show me if I did the right thing. Can you help with an answer?

Thanks for writing in. It sounds like you’ve had a tough time. You worked very hard to help him as long as you could, and then chose what I hope is a caring new home for him.

I’m often asked, “What is the tipping point for making a placement in residential care?” There is no one answer; every family is different. That being said, challenges such as his incontinence and your lack of sleep almost always become overwhelming.

I applaud you for seeking help and making this difficult decision. He is now in a caring place where the staff can do some of the heavy lifting of personal care and where you can come and simply spend time with him and enjoy some activities together. Ask the staff for ideas of things to do together—perhaps you can take him outside to enjoy the patio, share an ice-cream cone, accompany him on a field trip or listen to a visiting musician together.

I find that the best caregivers are the ones who experience the most guilt. Take comfort in the fact that you have done this for him as much as for you. He will be receiving great care, enjoying the social environment and you can recharge your batteries to be engaged with him when you do visit.

Thoughts and stories from others

  1. October 15, 2013 at 07:09 am
    Posted by Karen Moon

    Trying to help my mom who has had a hard time with my dad with Dementia--- Wanting them to move closer to so I can help my mom, but my dad does not want to move. Trying not to say It's because of him why the move, but to say mom needs help. He doesn't understand- while my mom is about to lose it. She's having problems with him staying up at night and taking up to an hour to take a bath-and falling at times too. They live almost 2 hours away-want them closer to help. I find her getting more mad a times with him and tempers flying-- I know It's got to be hard.

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