Shopping for 3
You know what isn’t fun? Shopping for 3. Shopping for a family of three when you have been and still are a family of 4.
Grocery shopping is different now and somehow it is another reason to be sad.
Another reminder of our previous life and a slap across the face with a wake up call to the new life we are living. No need to buy those large boxes of Raisin Bran anymore. No need to get the extra fruit that Jim would munch on all day. No need to buy enough for another adult eating with us.
Shopping now takes on a whole new light. Walking through ANY store that carries men stuff just sucks. No need to look at those nice blazers or those snazzy pants. Jim is doing just fine in the comfortable sweats I gobbled up recently. No reason to even bother browsing through to find that shirt that will match his beautiful eyes. He has plenty of clothes and the only things I will be buying for him are more sweats, t-shirts and pajamas.
Maybe some new slippers and socks.
This puts a hollowness into my chest. Not pain, just sadness of moving into a new place. A new pattern. My routine has been the same for so long, it is difficult to simply change gears. I still automatically look longingly at the nice threads in the department store but I have to go from the subconscious habit into the conscious awareness. I long to be able to hold up a new shirt or sweater and envision him in it and me holding him while he is in it. I long to wrap a new gift and surprise him with a new tool or gadget to play with.
No more. He is not interested and unable to enjoy even the simplest puzzles.
Dealing with the emotional loss of a loved one covers so many different aspects. It is amazing how engrained they are in even the most routine and simplest aspects of your life and the longing that follows you everywhere is immeasurable.