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Alzheimer's Conversation Tips

Most days Mom just sat in her armchair in front of the TV with a glazed look in her eyes. I tried to perk her up by talking about what was on the news or what I was cooking for dinner, but she didn’t seem interested. With her Alzheimer’s, I’m not even sure she understood what I was saying.

One day, a commercial came on for engagement rings, and I casually asked her, “Mom, do you remember when Dad proposed to you?” Suddenly her eyes lit up, as if I had unlocked a long-forgotten memory that brought her great joy. She proceeded to tell me the proposal story in great detail, which was more than I had heard her talk in weeks. I discovered Mom retained many vivid recollections of her past, and she seemed delighted to tell me her stories. All I had to do was ask a good question.

Asking questions can spark a meaningful conversation full of special memories. Someone living with Alzheimer’s disease or other dementias will particularly appreciate the opportunity to pass on personal history and wisdom before it’s too late.

When you begin a conversation, prompt the person with dementia to elaborate by asking open-ended questions and then listen patiently. Here are some questions you might ask:

  • What chores did you have to do when you were growing up?
  • When you were a teenager, what did you and your friends do for fun?
  • What are some of the most valuable things you learned from your parents?
  • What did your grandparents and great grandparents do for a living?
  • When you were growing up, what did you dream you would do with your life?
  • What accomplishments in your life are you most proud of?
  • What are some of the things you are most grateful for?
  • What was the happiest moment of your life?
  • How would you like to be remembered?

You can use these questions as conversation starters at mealtimes, while completing daily activities together, or at a family gathering. Work up to the deeper questions like “How would you like to be remembered?” and follow up with related questions to keep the conversation going. If your family member with dementia gets confused, frustrated or upset by your questions, change the subject. You can always rephrase the question and try asking it again at another time.

By asking good questions, you’re inviting your family member with dementia to share important life experiences that you can continue to remember and cherish even when that person no longer can. You’ll not only enrich your loved one’s life during the moments those memories are shared, but you’ll be able to preserve the memories until it’s time to pass them along to the next generation.

You can find additional memory-evoking question ideas at StoryCorps.org and great conversation starters for mealtimes at Caregiverstress.com.

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Thoughts and stories from others

  1. November 15, 2012 at 12:53 pm
    Posted by mary

    My name is Mary My mom has Alzheimer's also i've been taken care of my mom a few years also.it came to the point where i couldn't handle her anymore she became very voilent ,i was constantly full of bruises.I had to put her in the hospital where i'm from thats the only option we have.But there's not a day that goes by that i don't feel guilty for putting her there,although i know its the best thing for her shes getting better care than i can give her.And the hardest thing is we only get to see her every now and then because we have to travel by plane.

  2. November 8, 2012 at 11:43 pm
    Posted by S.P.Lee

    Thanks, It was a really helpful information. Please let me know other useful informations from you.

  3. November 8, 2012 at 03:20 pm
    Posted by Kat

    My stepmom has second stage dementia. She was the kindest most helpful person in the world before the disease set in. Now that she is in her eighth year of the disease, she is turning into the most horrible monster. She and my dad have been happily married for 42 years. She is 85 and wants to divorce my dad. Every morning she wakes up and threatens to kill us and asks what we did with her money, her car, and her clothes. We plan on keeping her in home until she refuses to take her meds. That will be the catalyst for nursing care.

  4. November 7, 2012 at 04:20 pm
    Posted by Danielle Chatelain

    What you describe is indeed very difficult. My sense here is that you are perhaps at a point where you need to take a little distance for your own well being. There is nothing wrong in letting a professional caregiver take over some of the visits. You will feel refreshed after a break, and may come back with a lighter heart and renewed energy. A new caregiver can be interesting for your mom too. Once the speech is mostly gone, I tend to use music, singing, touching, grooming, as forms of communication. This takes away some pressure on your mom who may feel overwhelmed

  5. September 17, 2012 at 06:26 pm
    Posted by Lana Anderson

    My mother & aunt shared their childhood memories with each other all their lives.I adored listening. As years went by my mother was the last one of her generation. She missed sharing her stories.I knew many of these little "Family Stories". When I reluctently had to place her in a care facility, I typed up a list of : "Questions to ask Noma about her Early Life." As aides came and went, they were able to see the sheet I had posted on the wall by her bed. They soon came to KNOW my mother & were able to iteract in stories she love to share & they loved to hear. WIN WIN !

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In this video, CAREGiver Sara Maquiss shares how tools like Home Instead Senior Care's Life Journal can be used to capture memories and help her keep the past alive for a person with Alzheimer's.

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