I am not new to this. We have been dealing with loads of issues with my husband’s vascular dementia. At this point in my husband’s life, I can’t seem to get him to go anywhere. He always wants to just stay home. He gets angry over everything. Like I said, we are not new to it all, but new things are happening. I guess I just need to know how others cope with it and stay strong and not feel hurt in front of him. I know this is not my husband, really – he is the kindest man ever – just now not always.
-Kara

No matter how long you deal with a form of dementia, it never seems to get easier. Changes take place daily and you just never know what to expect when you wake up in the morning. Your loved ones change into a person you no longer recognize and yet, your love for them remains. Everyone deals with these changes and the heartbreak of witnessing the changes differently. I would like to open your question up for our readers to help with. For me, having good friends to confide in helped tremendously. Exercising when I could helped. Reading and listening to music could be a good distraction if I was able to find the time. Some keep journals, some meditate, do yoga, watch TV, play with a pet, clean house, keep life as “normal” as possible, keep a regular schedule…the list can go on and on. So, readers…what have you done to cope with changes in your loved one? How do you hide your sadness and despair?
-Karen

8 thoughts on “My husband’s changing…how do I cope and stay strong?

  • JBoyd

    Hi!! First, bless your heart, I’m in the same situation…in fact it sounded like I wrote this! I’m 72, he’s 76..we have been married for 54 years! He is obsessed with the news and gets mad if I ask to change it, etc… yesterday, he couldn’t “bring up”(as he calls it) who our 3 kids married or the grandkids names or who they belonged to!!!! To answer your question, I spend an enormous time outside, praying, and continuously thinking of my blessings! Don’t get me wrong, I get mad, frustrated, tired, and emotional… over the last several years I try to curb and hide those feelings because it just makes things worse.. everything is a struggle and it’s eaisier (for me)to ignore his outbursts.. if we are going somewhere I just tell him as calmly as possible to get ready we need to go somewhere… sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t!! Same with eating, he won’t come to the table, always says he’s not hungry, can’t decide what he wants to eat.. my solution now is just fix what I like when I want it AND make him a plate and have it on the table, right now, that works.. tomorrow is another day!! He is by far not ready for a nursing home, etc., but we are getting ready to move into our son’s home.. we live in a very remote area in west Texas and I need help, relief, and support.. he is fighting it tooth and nail, even though I have repeatedly discussed it with him, but I just, again, ignore what he says..politely!!!! It’s a struggle each day and each day is different… and it doesn’t get better.. I am learning ( through a long process) I HAVE to take care of me in order to take the best care possible of him… always, prayers for us all who are dealing with this horrific and devastating disease🙏

  • Karen Juncker

    My condolences. The “emotional divorce” is the next step. It is slowly separating yourself from who you two were to who you are now. You go from being married to your best friend, lover, confidante to being a caregiver to a good man who shared your past. He deserves to be cared for in a loving manner.

    The relationship you shared is over. Relationships are two way streets, flowing to and from partner to partner. You are on a one way street now. You must start seeing yourself in this manner. It slowly eases the pain you feel each time you look at him.

    Sorry, but the advice to “keep things as normal as possible” is crap. There is no normal. As he progresses in his disease, your life is on call every second. Keeping him safe, comfortable and clean takes all your time, energy and many times money.

    A support group in person and at least weekly is a life saver, literally. To share your feeling and trials with others who are doing the same is life affirming and good for your own health. In this group, you do not have to hide your sadness and despair. You are free to vent the anger and disappointments in a safe, confidential, and loving environment with other going through the same thing.

    I have walked this walk and it is not easy or pretty, contrary to advertisements seen on TV or magazines. However, there is life after this journey ends. Just remember to be as nice to yourself as possible, forgive yourself often and do the best you can under the circumstances.

    • Olga

      What you said is right on the money!! Through my tears I acknowledge these facts as I am going through this now. God bless you all for your emotional and moral strength!

  • Linda Bode

    I kept a strict schedule –
    Exercised & for him to exercise with me – light weights -told friends
    Stories about things he did & they’d help me see the humor in it .

  • Mary

    I have to start by saying I have observed that changes are a daily or at best weekly part of this disease. My husband too is well into dementia – younger onset to be precise. I have spent so much of my time trying to solve issues that constantly crop up but have found that usually if we wait a day or a week, the issue resolves itself and we move onto something else. Remember it’s not him, it’s the disease. Love him, enjoy spending time together no matter where he decides he needs to be. His home is a safe place in this confusing world.

  • Pamela Campbell

    You have to realize that no matter what you do you can never turn them back to who you would like them to be. It is very stressful and you remain full of fear and sadness for them but take it one day at a time. Try not to let what they say hurt you because it is not them. As long as you are doing what you know is best for their safety you are doing all you can do even if they get angry with you. Having said all this I am not as good at it as I make it sound. I am struggling but working hard to practice what I am saying.

  • George Gottfried

    Have his close friend over to visit,to play any card games and to encourage him to go out with him to eat, To go to a movie or to go to a culture event.usually a long time friend can get him out of the house and hopefully his return home should brighten his mood and be able to share with you.

  • David Riebau

    I talk to a friend. Family is too busy. I get so nervous and don’t sleep. I try to do what is right but even her doctor is lost. I wish someone would give me a break from it but I guess I have to play the cards I am dealt. My wife is perfect, except for the ALZ. She gets so angry with me and sleeps more than is awake. She answers me but never actually discusses anything. It’s lonely without her interacting with me. You are not alone.

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