I am the caregiver for my husband who has dementia. I’ve been caring for him for 3 years. He doesn’t talk to me unless I say something to him; he only gives a quick answer. There is no conversation. I feel like I live with a dead person. I don’t like him and I’m not in love with him anymore. I think I have emotionally divorced him. Is this normal?
Deb, please rest assured that your feelings and emotions are actually not only common, but normal. As dementia progresses, the person who is faced with caring for a loved one changing daily into someone they no longer recognize must live with, care for, love, try to communicate with and be on call 24/7 for a person who can now be a complete stranger to them.
It can be emotionally challenging and likened to someone with post traumatic stress syndrome. It is difficult to say the least to start each day not knowing what the day will bring. Who will your loved one be today? How will they respond to daily interaction and how will they have changed and progressed? At times, it can be lonely, overwhelming and exhausting and then you don’t have your loved one to confide in and lean on to help with such an overbearing task. How ironic, the one person who would have been your “go to” for such things is now the one you need support and understanding dealing with. Guilt and loneliness are also huge side effects from being the care provider for a spouse and to not like the person they have become is understandable. They might have different personalities, likes, thought processes and they just aren’t the person you have grown with and gotten to know and have expectations from through the years.
Yes it is normal, but the one thing to keep in mind is you will survive this very difficult time and must live with the choices and decisions you make now. That being said, you must also do what you need to do to survive each day as best you can. Do you have a support group? The Alzheimer’s Association in your area should be able to provide you with a group or a local church may offer one as well. If possible, talk to your clergy, a counselor or someone you trust and can be open and honest with. Exercise is also a great way to help yourself and if you are not already, try to start a routine that includes some sort of physical activity (other than laundry, dishes, yard work, etc.) Take care and stay strong.
I have been working with someone who has Alzheimer’s for almost nine years. I have recently been reading “On P,unto” a book by Greg O’Brien who suffers with early onset Alzheimer’s.
This has given me so much insight into the emotional upheaval of this disease.
I encourage anybody dealing with this horrible disease to read it.
Can’t find it in Kindle books
I would also like to read this. A Google search brings up “On Pluto: Inside the Mind of Alzheimer’s” by Greg Brien.
Found a copy in my local library, which was helpful
It is “On Pluto.”
My husband of almost 40 years had early on set dementia. It’s not that you don’t love him anymore it’s that your marital status changes from partner with love and care for each other to care giver with no intimacy or affection which is very difficult. I was fortunate as he died after a little more than 6 years it was very difficult as I worked a fill time job out of necessity and tried to care for him. I never knew what I would find when I returned from work. Federal and state programs only help those willing to quit work to get help. Eventually I had to seek help and put him in a nursing home as I couldn’t leave him alone. He only lasted a few months. Looking back after 12 years without him I still miss him terribly. I am in a new relationship which is not anywhere near what I shared previously. I am happy I am not alone, I believe you only get that one shot at head over heels in love once in your life.
I have known my husband had early dementia for two or three years before he was formally diagnosed with LBD last January. I was pleased to have a diagnosis and know it wasn’t me and I was also excited that medications would help us have at least a year of near normality but his condition has worsened quite quickly and his passive negative attitude and psychosis is really getting me down. You say that to are happy your husband only lived 6 years I pray that we don’t have to suffer that long. I feel young and energetic but his condition and what it is doing to our lives frightens me as I WANT to live and he has given up. He wants me living on his level because my energy annoys him. I love my husband he has cared for me for the past 50 years and I accept it is now my time to look after him and I am trying really hard but sometimes I wish I could run away and be free. Thank you for giving me the space to have a rant!
I feel the same .I am sure my husbands Alzheimer’s will kill me before him,
I just said this to my GP last week that I am going to die before my husband with what the exhaustion stress and anxiety are doing to my body
Same with me
I’ve become convinced my husband is going to out live me. And he’s the one with dementia. I don’t know how much more I can take. The anger and resentment I feel each and every day is taking a toll. I think I could handle it better if he had an ounce of appreciation, or even a bit of remorse about what is going on. But he’s always been a selfish person, so why should I expect this situation to be any different. I cook, clean, do his laundry, do his pills, pay the bills, drive the car, haul him every where I go because if I don’t take him, I’m afraid he will wander off. Been trying to find an adult day care, but nothing available and our local Senior Services is useless. Every day I wonder what is going to break the camel’s back (mine).
My wife “disappeared” 4 years ago due to ALZ . I am her caregiver, not her husband since she has lost all abilities. The loss of intimacy is most difficult. I really struggle with this since no one would understand. It is much worse than being single.
I feel the same way.
Also very lonely most of the time.
I wonder if the caregivers wear out first. I hope not
I feel the same
carol a ryan
My goodness reading all the comments here are exactly the same things now going through my head as my husband also has Alzheimer’s. I too sometime wish I could run away from this and not have to deal with it, I sometimes think the stress is going to get me first with a heart attack or stroke and then I wonder where my husband will be without me to care for him. We have been married for 57 years now and I have always believed in my marriage vows “in sickness and health” so I continue to pray every day for God to give me patience to deal with this horrible disease that we don’t want and did not ask for.
My husband and I married only 2-1/2 years ago, but I’ve been with him for 7 years. My deceased husband I was married to for 32 years and he was sick for 8 years and bedbound for the last 3. I was honored to be able to be the one to care for him and see him to his death. He loved me and I him. Had it been me, he would have done the same. He’s gone now 12 years and I still have tears every day I miss him so much.
Back to this person I stupidly took up with. He’d would have never taken care of me at any point. He’s selfish and greedy, can’t get enough money out of me to satisfy his greed, though his income is 7 times mine. I’ve paid most of my income every month to him & he still calls me a freeloader. Only now he hallucinates there are 3 women here & he wants me to pay rent for these non-existent people he says are my friends.
He’s mean and nasty and insulting. Ask him who his wife is & he’ll say his ex-wife he’s been divorced from for at least 20 years.
I can’t pay the bills & ask him for his half without him accusing me of stealing from him. There is NO financial benefit for living here and taking care of him. I pay more than I would alone, plus do every bit of cleaning. I took my vows seriously. He never did & has cheated on me several times. Try a person with dementia who is also a porn addict. I can’t tell him what to do. Even sweet, patient reminders “we” need to take our medicine now are met with argument.
I don’t owe him this. If I go to the grocery store his sister wants to know if I’ve left him alone. I’m supposed to dedicate the rest of my life to him & not even go for a walk or to the grocery store to get away from him. I’m accused of stealing his money & I’ve never touched it, ever!! He’s emotionally and financially abusive AND has dementia. I’m strapped for money all the time, have lost the rest of my life, can’t go anywhere, and he hates me. I think the vows I took didn’t mean suffer with this abuse. I feel hated and so alone.
I know. I am also in those same shoes Every day I have fear
carol a ryan
Just came across this site and reading some of your remarks is exactly how I have been feeling, my husband also has Alzheimer’s at age 81, just diagnosed in 2018 but I am sure he had it as far back as 2012. I also think that all of the stress dealing with him is going to kill me before him, as I am dealing with my own health problems and coping with all this stuff is making my pain levels unbearable some days.
Wow, This what I feel all the time.
I felt the same way but found a boyfriend online during Covid while he is still in a nursing home. I am happy now and want to tell my kids but afraid of what they will think!
I am so stressed and feel the way you all do. He is becoming abusive at night and accuses me of having an affair with my best friends wife. He makes it so I can’t have any friends or a life. He won’t let anyone come in our home to help me. A couple times he’s become physically abusive with me. Next day he apologizes and then does it again. He was my soul mate. We’ve been married for 41 years and 17 years apart. I have no help cause he mistreates everyone. My kids live out of state, so I have noone. Please help or advise me what to do, I really can’t take anymore. He pees everywhere even wearing depends because he won’t change them till they are soping wet and our gone smells like urine. He also has advanced prostate cancer and diabetes. I feel guilty saying all this, but I really feel like he’s sucking the life out of me. 😭😪
I agree with you. My husband’s in the very early stages and it’s already driving me insane I feel completely helpless as the doctors told me that there’s nothing you can do at this stage because he is still mildly functional. I feel so alone.
Joy, I feel the same way. I am the one suffering, physically and mentally. He is oblivious to all the problems. I don’t know how to survive as a caregiver.
I feel their stories and I am living it as well. Husband is 75 and I am 65, together for 40 years, I have also felt he wants me to share his misery, I feel so sad for him, he is not the husband I married and I am having the impossible task of loving him when there is no intimacy, no affection of any kind. I have been doing this for 20 years and most days I hate him. I loved him to pieces the first 20 years and I fantasize about our lives before which is the only reason I have stayed other than I feel sorry for him, I don’t want him to be sad. He screams at me and his care aide workers all the time, even his daughter. I pray one day this will be over.
I am new to this and married to a lovely man I no longer recognise. So sad.
DRKATHLEEN WEISEL-PLUMB PSYD
So Sorry. I feel the same way. My life is being consumed by his negative view of everything. 8 years I am in therapy learning how to cope with his nasty behavior. After he creates daily dramas; crisises, chaos he is clueless as to what he has done. There is no remorse. Our marriage is emotionally dead; sexually dead, no fun. It is about him all day; everyday.
Jean, you’re telling my story. I met my husband a month before my 18th birthday and six weeks before his 30th. He was a mighty man. Strong. Hard working. Fun. At 77, he’s nothing like the man with whom I spent my life. In the past year and a half he’s become disengaged, child like and wholly dependent on me. Even though I know it’s not his fault, I can’t help the rage I feel towards his refusing to fight for his mind. I, too, live in the past where our lives were wonderfully filled with love, affection, engaging conversations and like minded goals and ideals. I miss him terribly and feel lonely, angry and frustrated all the time. This is not how I imagined our relationship would end. So sad.
It’s funny how older men look women 30 years younger in the hopes that when he gets older she will look after him, not knowing that he would still end up in a home. they are so delusional.
To all that are gong through being the caregiver, you are normal in feeling the way you do. Know that you are not alone God loves you and their is a community out here trying to figure this thing out! Know that these symptoms of Dementia, that it is not your loved one but the illness the brain running out of strength. This is a heartbreaking time but you need to 1 get power of attorney it’s for everyone protection! Get your house in order so what if they yell that’s what the illness does. If they are going to fight then present it this way incase anything happens to you they have power of attorney and vice versa , if anything happens to them. Iam in the trenches with you
Also if your the caregiver you take over all money get with your attorney and financial planners. Get your house I order! Set aside 25 dollars an hour for a caregiver to come in and give you a break. I am working on these things too not easy calls me names etc.. screams Carrie’s on but remember you can do all things through the Lord seek out help and you will get it praying for each and everyone of you, you inspire me❤️Hang in there!
My husband has not been officially diagnosed but has Mild Cognitive Impairment. Can’t even see a doctor right now let alone get a diagnosis due to COVID. He has never been an easy man to live with but it’s got so much worse in the last two years. Like many of you I feel I hate him but sometimes my emotional memory kicks in with feelings of affection which last all of 10 minutes until the next insult. He will quite possibly outlive me as it’s early days in his condition. My prayers go out to you all.
As I’m reading this I have taking the responsibility of my ex-husband brought him into my home because he has Alzheimer’s my children can’t deal with it so I took the responsibility at first I thought I could deal with it it’s really taking a toll on me now I wonder why I even tried he’s very nasty mean arrogant he’s always been arrogant cheated on me left and right now I wonder why I did this it’s making me sick and there’s no help out there I just want to put him someplace where he’ll be safe and not necessarily in a nursing home in a nice facility and Memory Care Facility but he has no money and there’s no help out there it makes me sick with so much of this disease there’s no help it’s disgusting I just don’t know what I’m going to do I wake up in the morning I tried to do my meditation to get through the day and then he says nasty things to me and I feel like I have kryptonite on me I wish there was help
I identify with your sadness, your loss of the things that would give you pleasure, and your overwhelming desire to run away. Where is hope? Not in my house.
Feel it every day ?? like living with a person now dead but still alive. Sits in his recliner, under a blanket staring into space, all day every day. He has sucked every bit of life from me.
My husbands dementia is affecting my health i have diabetis ,angina and athritis and find it really hard to cope he us si demanding and treats me like a servant,he sits around in his underpants allday wont wash just watches tv and demands food if i had somewhere to go i would leave i am so lonely
I understand completely all you say. My husband is 85 & I am 72. Also been getting worse over (I believe) atleast 10 years but last 2 years & last 6 months really cannot hardly cope /dont know how to get through the carehome &financial disgraceful even disgusting business- the carehomes make the money, the Council tries to pay/contribute as little as possible and I wondercwhen how & where to go … xjinny in Cardiff where are you based?
Feel I need to get antidepressants keep bursting into tears
I have cried everyday for 2 years while my husband was at home. This lovely man is changing every week beyond recognition. Social services decided he had to go in care he kept falling as well. Been in care home 5 months and still cry every day but I will not take antidepressants. I try to go and see him twice a week but he doesn’t know who I am. I kiss his ear and he smiles that is the best bit. His eyes are closed because I don’t think he has much sight and he cannot hear! It is so hard. I would have loved to have kept him at home if I could have afforded to pay for 24 hour care.
This is exactly my situation. My husband has no wish whatsoever to do anything. I do everything to keep our lives running but am totally worn out. My hands shake and my nerves are in shreds.
He sits and stares vacantly and walks with tiny shuffling steps.
I feel like I live in a nightmare . I have to lock all the doors at night as I have had to stop him going out at 3am when he is sure someone is outside.
The work around our house that needs doing is getting out of hand and I can’t cope. Some days I can’t stand the sight of him.
i am a 63 year old woman who lives separately from a man i have known for 24 years. he is 73. we met at work in october 1997 and engaged in december. i was divorced in 1982 and had 2 daughters, 16 and 18. Rich had never been married, had children and was an only child. It was never romantic but we were there for each other. we did not marry and i maintained my own house and bills. we continued to see and talk daily but all physical relations stopped by his choice. i never dated or saw anyone else and im told im a good looking lady. the last 2 years he has shown signs of dimentia. the last 6 months, drastic personality changes, comments, some days ok but others just blank. to top it off, he has paid thousands of dollars by paypal to a. cabias in california who then sends the money to colombia pono sites. he continues to do this. the banks tell me as long as he does it himself they cannot do anything, its his choice. i am physically sick because of whats happening to him. he denies denies denies. i care for him but still live separately. the back and forth checking on him is wearing me down. he has nobody and i mean nobody except the paypal guy taking his money. what can i do to help him but save myself? he is not incompetent yet but its coming. i dont know what to do and do not have anyone to talk to and hes all ive known or had in my life for 24 years. now i feel angry and resentful and then sad and hurt. what could/should i do? thank you
I feel the same way. My husband has dementia, incontinence is a nightmare. I’ve been pooped on and the pee at night floods the bed. I get up twice a night to change him everything is drenched. I’m 70 years old and have,been with him for 48years. He was diagnosed with early stage dementia in 2014. I know this will be my death and I will go before him. This morning I wake up and I’m changing him and I say I cannot do this anymore and he looks at me and says then just leave! I sometimes wish I could. I am so so depressed. I feel I cant go on. I know this will pass but it hurts that he can just say just leave. Wow.
You have been a ‘legend’ I believe no one understands unless they have walked in your shoes – happy days you deserve every minute⚘⚘
My husband had a brain injury requiring brain surgery which brought dementia and Alzheimer’s on.been in and out of rehab and hospitals. Financially I’m busted. He has attacked and hurt me on 3 occasions.I’ve made police reports. My dr has called nys aps.nothing gets done and it still goes on .best thing is I’ll sleep in my car.he brings me down and I do so much.he is incompetent.
I truly feel the same way..my husband also has had dementia for about 4 yrs but I never caught on… now he has been diagnosed
thank god for paperwork. My neighbors know what he has but still gives him stuff that he could hurt himself with like a bicycle..he is mean calls me all kinds of names just terrible..46 yrs and I’m also young enough to still want to do things..he keeps me down..I’m trying to get a nurse in here while i work and then probably a nursing home…its been tough….I’m here with all of you…
I am having the same issues, my husband has FTD. He became violent a year ago, psychosis. He was put in meds for Psychosis at that time and it helped until recently. Now I live every day in fear of him. Like you I so desperately want to run away. I dont know what to do to help him and I suffer from PTSD myself. I feel like I am losing myself as well every single day.
I too have a husband suffering with FTD. Diagnosed in October 2019 although looking back has probably had this degeneration maybe 4 years earlier but with intermittent “odd” situations was never really picked up until it was thought he was depressed but with further investigation and MRI FTD was diagnosed. I feel my husband of 53 years has long gone and a different man now in possession of my true husband’s body. Each day is a terrible struggle never knowing what mood will appear and when the pendulum will swing to another. I am lonely, dont have a life as just seem to be cook, laundress, administrator, housekeeper, sitter and general dog’s body. Feel I cant go on much longer and as previously mentioned by others, am sure he will outlive me with all the care and attention he gets which I give and everything being sucked out of me I have simply nothing left. At the moment I am investigating care facilities to just give me a few weeks respite but with FTD they seem reluctant to accept him. Dont know if anyone else is having or had this problem. If so, any advice given would be most gratefully received. I am in the Hampshire area should an appropriately located care home be recommended. Sorry to rant on but I feel the need to off load. Many thanks for listening – so good to read others’ situations. Makes me feel I am not alone with all my struggles.
My husband has FTD .He drives me mad every day with his constant demands and ranting and raving.
He was diagnosed 9years ago. My life is in shreds. I have several illnesses but he is unaware of anything other than himself. I feel I am losing the will to live .
It’s very hard trying to cope every day.
Stay strong my heart goes out to you.
Thank you for your story it is exactly my situation too
I feel exactly the same no conversation just silence, having to repeat myself constantly, it is exhausting and I too wish I could just run away!
I am exactly in the same situation. I am full of life and healthy. My husband is asleep most of the time. I try to shower and dress him early but he will not try. I love him so much but I feel my life is taking a turn for the worst to. I have also found I am drinking more alcohol in the evening. I try to motivate him but to be all singing and dancing all the time is hard. I will love and care for him as long as possible
No guilt. Just reality
Life is different now
Relationship is defined with new people
Take time to be free
A day, two or even a night. Don’t wait
Thank you for this advice. I have many years of caretaking ahead I believe.
My mum is in this exact situation with my dad. It’s heartbreaking to see, I just hope for both their sakes he dies soon which is awful but he’s a total stranger now, mum feels young and alive and wants to live her life. She looked forward to retirement all her working life but now she’s retired Dads got Alzheimer’s and mum feels she’s a prisoner in her own home as she’s tied to the house – Dad can’t be alone. Mum’s so so depressed, it’s awful to see I worry about her so much. I wish there was something I could do but she’s just got to carry on and hope this horrible illness takes Dad sooner rather than later so they’re both put out of their misery.
The memory service and the admiral nurses are lovely but they’re no real help, mums on her own caring for a stranger he doesn’t sleep anymore either so she doesn’t even get a break at night. Horrendously sad for both my parents.
I relate to your Mom and you, my daughter is very concerned about myself and her father , I am worn out by taking care of him, she does not want him to go into a care facility. Difficult times
You are not alone .
I am now married to a resentful stranger .Intimacy is a thing of the past .I feel as if I am drowning .I want to live ,he goes to bed at 8.30 pm now.No conversation and he doesn’t care about anything now .I am so lonely and miserable.
Your rant helps me feel like I’m not some horrid ogre. Thank you.
Thanks for the insight. Waiting for your love one to die is probably worse than them dying. My husband has had Alzheimer’s dementia for about eight years. I don’t have to work, and I don’t want him to go to a nursing home. (Most days anyway).
I feel you.i feel the same way. But it is so hard
My husband was diagnosed 2 yrs ago I’ve watched and read so much about this disease that effects us both I thought I had prepared my self but I was wrong there is no way to prepare yourself my love for him is beyond words but at the same time I really resent him I miss the man I married sooo much and a part of me is waiting for him to come back I get angry at times and yell at him then the guilt is over whelming he cant help not be able to be the man he was his dementia has progressed so fast I pretty much do every thing for him and everything it takes to run our home NO time for myself I’ve struggled all my life and that has made me a strong a woman put I question am I go to be able to do this even a strong women needs a good cry a shoulder to cry on and a break now and the yeah I have an emotional break down now and then go in my room have a good cry take a deep breath and carry on
Firstly, i am trying to navigate this site as i do not know how to put my own separate post up, maybe someone can lead me in the right direction.
I know how you all feel, i have been my husbands carer for 12 years with no support, he has multiple lung illnesses and is on oxygen 24/7.
Over the last few years his memory has declined rapidly. He has no formal diagnosis as yet but doctors think it maybe dementia. Out of all his medical issues the memory loss is the worst to deal with, as many have said here they have fallen out of love with their partner.
I feel the same way, He is not the person i married in fact i don’t even think i like him anymore. He became distant even before the memory loss, i am 54 he is 60 our children have all left home so it is just the two of us. I use to be fine looking after him but its just become to much. He wants nothing to do with me and is not grateful for all i do for him. I ask myself everyday why do i stay. I also suffer from panic attacks and depression made worse by this situation. He is not the easiest person to look after. His always been a bit of a grumpy man but these memory issues has made it worse. Like many others here i too think i will pass away before him due to the stress of it all. I too am now at the point where i wonder when is this going to end how long can he go on like this for. It is a terrible way to think, well i feel guilty for thinking this way but its just so cruel for all concerned. Then i think, 12 years of caring for him then what happens when he does pass away, Then what? I’ll be lost not knowing what to do. I cry a lot for the husband i lost, the lack of intimacy and having no life. I just don’t know what to do. I found this site by trying to look up is in normal to not love a spouse you are a caregiver for. It is some relief that others do feel the same, but sad that so many of us are going through this. We share the same house but i feel like i am here alone. My son said it best when he said dad’s not dad anymore his like a ghost that’s just stuck here. Thanks for listening and maybe someone can let me know how i make my own new pots here.
Oh my goodness, reading what you just wrote was my life. I was the sole caregiver of my elderly partner who had dementia. Sadly, he passed away just a week ago. I was holding his hand when he took his last breath. He was blind, deaf, bedridden. He couldn’t feed himself. He had a catheter and wore a brief. He could not stand or walk. I did everything for him for nearly the last two years. I loved him more than I can articulate. There were some times, though, when I didn’t think I could do it anymore. I would get so angry at the whole situation and would lash out at him. He couldn’t help his situation. Logically I knew that and it was immeasurably sad for both of us. I can’t tell you how many times I apologized for losing my temper. I find myself apologizing to him still even though he is gone. The guilt I feel is overwhelming. But the love I have for him is endless. He was my heart.
I know that feeling,it like a long goodbye it has totally worn me out the stress and anxiety is overwhelming at times plus being very lonely
You do “have to work”. It will give u life
Imagine for me, I’ve been a loyal caregiver. Then 2 years ago I find that he was carrying on quite well with a close [his] family friend, telling her he loved and wanted her. That’s the g rated version. I was crushed and ready to leave him, but i felt a sense of obligation to get him settled first. Of course, by then he’d talked his way back into my good graces. Now I love him but lost so much respect and who knows what else, that I feel resentful every time I care for him, and it comes through! You can see that the nurses are figuring out that something isn’t genuine about me, though I’m not divulging so that, as I don’t want anything that would jeopardize their care of him.
See how I’m trying to look out for him, while also secretly holding onto him how much residual resentment is left?
In the past he NEVER would have done this. I actually understand whsy he was going through but that’s logical thinking. I wonder how much of this is his dementia. Maybe that’s why I still put up with it.
This sounds a lot like my relationship. My fiance is 60 and has early dementia. I am only 40 yrs old. He will do things to purposely hurt me like go to his exes house call girls on the phone, degrade me. I wonder how much is his dementia and how much is him being an a**hole. He is still at home and very functioning but he wont remember simple stuff. His driving has started to get bad so we limit that. He tries to work on his rentals but what use to take him 1 hr now takes 5. He won’t remember stuff we talked about 10 minutes before. A part of me wants to run. We aren’t married yet and don’t have kids together but he also has no family to take care of him. He would definitely be put in a home when he got bad. We have been friends for 20 yrs and I feel obligated to a point but I don’t know how much of it I can take.
Hi everybody; my Partner for 2 years just Start he was diagnostic with PCA , i love him so much , he Is just starting to be mean with me, he kick me from The apartment , he called me obese he trait to put me a Paper un my mouth , my clothes Start to dissapper , shows too, he throut it away, he Is another person, and I have 2 kids that only love him , And Keeps him active, he Is alone no body call him, i drive him , i cook for him , I country His pills , i turn in a sad person , i only cry all The time because i miss him, but i am a Little realive because we has isues abnormal problems, that he always said that was my fault, and after The diagnostic i feels Very good that wasn’t me The crazy! He wants to married me so I can be Protect , i really loves him , but reading all these coments only making me think about it
What can I do?
Get out as soon as you can.
If you are not legally married to this man and he has people in his life who can take care of him, SISTER HEAD FOR THE HILLS!! You cannot change the events that are sure to come. Pray for him! Notify his attorney or physician that you are no longer caring for him and cut your losses.
If you are not legally married to this man and he has people in his life who can take care of him, SISTER HEAD FOR THE HILLS!!
Run! As fast and as far as you can, don’t marry him & obligate yourself to 24/7 care. I just found this site at 4:30 am after being woke up by my husband talking about VietNam to invisible people. This life is not a life. Washing, dressing, making meals, cleaning up dirty diapers after a husband who I havent liked in years is not the way I want to live the rest of my life. I do feel sometimes that I will die before him from stress. And I resent feeling that way
You’re a young woman, get out of there right now! You have an obligation to yourself first.
Like the others have said, if you aren’t married to him, run now. Before it is too late.
Barbara M. Gaskin
Run while you can.
Run…I wish I could.
Being a caregiver to my husband is destroying my health, life and anger. Now I’m supposed to do every man job plus mine, repeat myself to a dumb man wipe his ass when he treated me and my family with disrespect so many years. I was getting a divorce finally when he was diagnosed. He has a son and daughter who live in same town that never come around. Seeing a counselor has not helped. To survive I must go away. Have any of you had a similar story?
Girlfriend my husband was diagnosed with o Parkinson’s when I was about to divorce him, a horrible time in life, I still work full time, now he thinks we’re good and wants sex, I could throw up about that! Sorry we’re not good I just don’t want to leave you completely alone, I hate this situation!
Yes, I want to find a way to escape. My marriage of 45 years has been failing for years and especially now. I can’t stand my husband. He doesn’t let me breathe.
if married, divorce him & leave. If not married, just leave.
Amen to that. Couldn’t have said it better myself.
I feel the same! It’s a very strange place to find yourself in. We’re married 43 years today, and my husband has taken care of me very well for 40 years so I would never leave him. Not saying at some point he may need care I can’t give! Which would sadden need!
My husband hasn’t lost his memory just some because of a stroke a year ago and he yells at me all the time. Threatens to leave me. I am also medically retired three years ago and on much smaller amount than him since he is also veteran. I have no one I can talk to.
I miss my Tony. He has LBD and I have felt so alone in so many ways. Lost as well.
My Tony was always the one who would pick me up and now I stand alone even with him standing beside me.
Sheryl L Hogan
I share your feeling of aloneness with them beside you, it is more sad then them being gone and left with the memories.
I understand, my husband was my best friend, we did everything together. Now I never know what to do. Sometimes we go to an area we use to hike and he loves it, other times he thinks we are on the wrong road and is anxious. I try to plan things for us to do together, but I end up in an argument allot of the time, and it defeats the whole purpose.
My husband has Parkinson’s with dementia. I am very alone and lonely as my children live a long way away.
They have no idea how it is!
When we speak on zoom they think I’m taking over the conversation. They say “let dad speak” He does the right thing for a couple of minutes, they are happy he has let them know things are “fine”. I’m like a duck, calm on the surface and paddling underneath like mad to keep things going.
I feel your pain Sharyn… I too am caring for my husband who has Parkinson’s dementia. He has one daughter (age 37) who in the past 3 years has decided that she hates me and I think she blames me for her father’s disease. She lives in the same town, but has been no help whatsoever. She is trying to take over as his healthcare proxy although I am the sole caregiver. I am living a nightmare.
My husband was always my best friend. I adored him. He was one of the smartest men I’ve ever known. We always talked and laughed together. He was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s 2 years ago but, based on the test results, he has had it for at least 9 years. Now, like so many of you, the majority of the time I don’t even like him. He’s difficult, selfish, snotty and dumb, nothing like the man I adored. Like so many of you, I do everything plus work full time. He is 78 and healthy…I’m 75 and depressed, overweight, angry and frustrated. As sad as it sounds, I wish it was over now.
My husband was diagnosed with LBD 4 years ago. At the time, the Neurologist told us he had 3 good years left. What’s that supposed to mean? There have been so many changes since then. My David has gone from a strong, dynamic, force to be reckoned with individual to a frightened little old guy that needs help dressing. I still have a hard time wrapping my head around it. I have run the gambit of anger and guilt so many times. Then, I get angry with myself for getting short with him and have to dig deep, close my eyes, take a deep breath and strive to put things in perspective. I still love him, but in a different way. He wants to be intimate, and I try, but when your changing wet pants, cleaning bottoms, and wiping drool, it’s hard to see him the same way. We have 7 children so it’s not like we never had that in our lives, it’s just different.
Thank you for the question. I know I’m not alone, but like so many, when you’re in the trenches, sometimes it feels like it.
I will check out that book.
My husband had sepsis and then brain damage for the last 4 years. I am 72 and caring for him was physically and emotionally draining.
After 2 years I went to the bank to see what I do. I took money out of savings and additional loan. I visited him several hours every day. He did come home to die for his last 4 months. I have never felt bad for having him in a long term care facility.
Reading these comments makes me feel I’ m not alone.
I experience the same emotions and challenges. My husband has been lost due to rarly onset Alzheimers. I work in an executive role and never know awaits me at home.
I connect with all you are saying and feeling My husband was diagnosed 2 years ago and his mood changes are very wearing . I was a single mum when we met and I feel more lonely now than when I was single. He often takes aim at my teenage son which is crippling for me. And my son. We have been married 6 years and I don’t know if I can cope much longer. I practice living in the moment, letting go and staying calm And I often think about how I would want to be treated if I was the one with the illness but I’m really getting to my wits end. The lack of kindness and the lack of warmth are soul destroying.
And the thing is, it is only going to get worse. Sorry I sound so defeated!
I feel so much like a lot of these people , I have worked hard all my life now only to have to give up a good job to take care of my husband with dementia. He thinks I take his stuff that I should take him everywhere I go ! I just want some time alone with my friends !im resenting him !I want out
My husband has early on-set dementia. He has always been critical and bossy. Now, he asks me to do everything for him when he can still function. I’m so irritated with him. I don’t want to be around him; I just want to be left alone.
I feel the same way. Feels lime ya are in jail with no escape
I am a woman of 68 and are married to a wonderful man for 51 years.
I got diagnosed with Alzheimer’s 16 months ago. Mostly I am in tears, because I say and do everything wrong. As long as I give into anything, he is happy, I just don’t want to live like this anymore. He says to me that he understands it all, so why do I see it the other way around? We now fight all the time.?
I’m exhausted it’s like he’s.stalking me every where around the house. Our onlson died of cancer three and a half years ago. I really have no help. His friends don’t come around anymore, I try and take him to the grandkids sporting events but he’s losing interest in this. My guess is he’s had this for 4/5 years but with death son dr thought it was depression. Interesting thing was 4-5 years ago son mentioned he was worried about him. He no longer can dress himself, can’t find rooms in the house and most days no clue who I am. With Covid hiring help to come in is limited. I’m starting to resent him and then I feel guilty.
Your just taking care of this person you’re not married to them. You can walk anytime. My husband was diagnosed with early onset dementia 2 years ago. He’s 57 now and I’m 61. I read that book didn’t help me any. I work full time still. His family doesn’t help with anything. Nothing!!!! He’s a nightmare. I have to do everything… he’s mean to me just sits in his chair and watches Fox News. No talking no thanks that I do everything. Lately it’s been effecting my health. Seems like I’m sick and tired all the time, literally! Can I divorce him? Please I need advice , help!
My husband has Dementia AND had Laryngeal Cancer and can’t speak!! He mouths the words, I have to lip read, repeat myself 500 times on.the same question, raise my Granddaughter and today I am at my breaking point.I asked for a few hours alone to read…so I could gather myself, needless to say it’s 1 am and he is still coming in turning on lights so I can read his lips and I have finally yelled to be left alone! I hate when it happens but I need a break! He got a hold of bank card, overdraw.us 1700.00 and I just can’t get a moment to figure out how to fix that part..Im coming undone
I can certainly relate to all of this. My husband is Viet Nam vet, 100% disability. Been married 52yrs. He had 4 affairs that I know of and changed jobs many times. We have 1 son who is 43 yrs. old, an addict since he was in his teens, been to prison many times, still lives at home with his 19 yr. old girlfriend and my husband has always been our sons enabler. Son is a thief, doesn’t work, spends all our money, and could care less about us. Husband has been diagnosed with dementia a few years ago … the kind that is “abusive, call-the-police-on-him many times” dementia. I do not like him, much less love him, and he torments me every single day. We are both 76 yrs. old and he will not help me any financially, even though I worked longer than he did. Recently I literally “ran away from home”, fearing for my life. Am staying with a kind friend for now, had my husband involuntarily committed and am praying they lock him up somewhere where he can’t hurt anybody else. He is a dangerous man … has beaten me up and doesn’t even remember it! I am a 2 time breast cancer survivor with major depressive disorder, severe arthritis, panic attacks and not getting any younger or healthier. My advice to all you ladies living with dementia partners is “RUN LIKE HELL” from this situation while you’re still alive and don’t look back. His dementia is not your fault and he will only get worse.
My husband of 43 years has had dementia for the last 10 years, diagnosed dementia. Our sex life has been gone for many years due to it and all the sudden he has become very amorous but I feel like I’m dealing with my child instead of my husband and it is not appealing to me nor is it possible for him but he thinks it is. What do you do in this case? I am at my wits end. He is 85 and I am 74.
I was helped by dropping expectations and verification of the historical ME… I did not expect nor demand that MOM recognize me as her “daughter” nor expect that she would appreciate all I did for her for 13 years.
I did not dwell for the loss of the person they WERE. I realized I could love a cat/dog for what they were, and not expect conversation. I imagined mom as a dog/cat personality. As her mind deteriorated, I related to her as “bird mom’..then my pet iguana.
What you can experience is pure deep BEING, a recognition missing ironically in our daily interactions